Seriously. You've been warned.
Okay, if you keep reading you can't yell at me.
****
An Open Letter to Dan Stevens
Dear Dan Stevens,
By now you are probably tired of being yelled at for your decision to leave Downton Abbey (and for your misguided refusal to appear in even one! episode next season as a recurring character), leaving Julian Fellowes little choice but to kill off your character, Matthew. So I’m not going to complain. I won’t harass you.
Instead, I would like to introduce you to someone.
His name is David Caruso.
Dan, meet David. David, Dan.
(Come on, David, remove your sunglasses. It’s quite rude of you to leave them on when speaking to someone else.)
Pause.
(Thank you.)
Now, Dan, you may not have heard of David before today. He’s on a TV show here in the States called "CSI: Miami". It’s awful. Truly, truly horrid.
(I’m sorry David but it’s true. You know that, right? I mean… right?
No! No, David, don’t leave! I’m sorry. Please stay!
I’ll… I’ll let you put your sunglasses back on. You probably prefer having them on in order to hide the tears threatening to spill over and run down your cheeks as you contemplate the career you could have had. Sure, you’ve made a lot of money from CSI, but what’s money in comparison to the respect of one’s peers?
Pause.
Umm… yeah! Yes, sure! Sure, you have the respect of your peers. Of course you do, don’t be silly!
David… David… David waaaaaaiiiiiiit!!!)
Uh, sorry, Dan. David had to… go to this… thing.
You see, Dan, several years ago, David was the star of another TV show called "NYPD Blue". It was great. When it premiered the critics went nuts for it, it got great ratings – huge hit. Huge! And David, well, he got a lot of attention, being the star and all. And then this weird thing happened and he decided to leave the show. After just one season. 22 episodes. This show that provided him with terrific writing and fabulous other actors to work with. Because he thought that it was holding him back from being a big huge movie star what with all the praise and adulation he received for his performance on the show.
I… I just realized that 22 episodes in one 9 month period is a lot more taxing than shooting 22 episodes spread out over 3 years. Hmmm… So I guess David felt “monopolized” by his incredible good fortune as well.
Anywho.
David got a bit big for his britches and basically looked this incredible gift horse in the mouth because he wanted to be a movie star.
Pause.
Have you ever seen the movie JADE?
I didn’t think so.
